EXPECTATIONS
When I was with you last, I lay there praying to God while you were sleeping, Thy will not my will be done. I know He knows what is best, not me. I just don’t want to lose you for a reason that is based on something you fear. I know I have to accept that things will work out for the best, will be as they were meant to be. The only thing to fear is fear itself, for we never really lose anything we need. I know it will not do me any good to try and hold on to you, if it’s not what you want, or is not meant to be. It is said that the things that are yours will come to you, that we don’t have to go out and look for them.
It is no wonder that I have not been able to admit that I need someone and have tried to depend on myself… not only for the reasons I have already shared, but because all my life I have lost the people that I love. They have all left me, one way or another, and one right after the other. This has made me feel very insecure in the past, like I shouldn’t even allow myself to love anyone anymore, but I’ve learned that is not rational thinking, and it’s impossible anyway. I’ve made a conscious effort lately not to put up walls to keep people out. I know everything has been to teach me the lessons that I have learned in order to gain my present self-worth.
I just try to keep going, to think positively, and to know that God has a plan for me and everyone, and that we can’t always understand why things are as they are.
Something you said to me in the bar really hit home, when you looked at me and said that you didn’t believe me, that I loved you, and that you felt like I was not being honest. It felt like you were saying that you believed I was trying to manipulate you, that if you allowed yourself to “fall for it” as you put it, that you would wake up one day to realize you had fallen for a grand scheme I somehow master-minded. I hope I was misunderstanding you, because if not, this makes me so sad. It makes me feel like I have not done a good job at allowing you to see who I am. I only wish that you could see into my heart. I have nothing to gain by lying, except for pure misery and unhappiness, in the long run. No one understands this better than I. I have been painfully honest with you, and let you deep inside when I wrote those emails, which was not easy for me.
What is so ironic is that my stepfather did the same thing to me on Friday night (and has all my life). At dinner in front of everyone, he was accusing me of lying to him and manipulating him in order to get him to help me with something… and it was not true at all. He looked at me and said, “I know how smart you are and there is no way you could have made that mistake… you don’t overlook things like that… I would have helped you anyway… you didn’t have to lie to me.” He has done this to me all my life, and what’s so sad is that I wasn’t lying and that I did make an honest mistake… but he wouldn’t believe me. He cannot accept the person that I have become and cannot even begin to see who I am now… Nor can he see his own responsibility in molding me… All he can see is his own reflection in my eyes. He is so afraid to believe me, because he thinks that I will have somehow won out over him. He even persisted with it, when I kept saying that I did make an honest mistake and that I wasn’t lying, by saying “OK maybe you did make a mistake, I guess you aren’t as smart as I thought you were” in an attempt to make me concede and admit that I was lying. He actually thinks being a liar is better than being stupid.
Every time he does this to me, I end up just smiling at him… it seems to be all I can do. I hate the fact that I do that, but I can’t help it… and I know it makes me look like I’m guilty of what he is accusing me of, and I don’t know why I do it… I think it’s so that I don’t cry instead. I am telling you this because that’s how I felt in the bar with you… I even smiled at you when you said you didn’t believe me. It’s almost like I am smiling at the justice in life, like I am being punished for ever manipulating in the past and that I will never be taken seriously again. It is not my fault that I was raised and influenced to be that way, and through God’s grace I have OVERCOME and triumphed over the past… and am the most genuine person you will ever know. You may know people as genuine as me, but not more so.
I have come to understand something really well lately, that I have read over and over again in my study of spiritual psychology. It is said that we see with what we are seeing with… meaning that we see others to be as we ourselves are. My stepfather sees me to be as he himself is… he is capable of doing what he accuses me of, and does it all the time, as a way of life… so that is why he believes that I am capable of doing it to him. Also… it is said that when others have an opinion (or perception) of what kind of a person we are, and when they continually tell us, “You are an X person,” that we start to perceive ourselves as being that type of person, and we then become that type of person, because we start to believe it.
This is especially true with children. I’ve realized that all my life, he has told me how smart I am and that I am a manipulator… so in the past I have believed myself to be that. I have become very capable of doing what he accuses me of… and have even been damn proud of it. It has taken a lot for me to get past this, and to get down to the core of who I am and what I want… outside of the realm of other peoples influences. I have come so far and am so happy to be who I am now… and it is NOT POSSIBLE for me (in my heart) to manipulate anyone anymore. Manipulation is not something to be proud of… it is a sad ego booster… sad because what you get out of your temporary imaginary win does not last… and eventually contributes to trapping you in a miserable and false reality (or prison). How can something ever become real and lasting, if it’s foundation is based on a lie? I do not ever want to have a relationship again that is NOT REAL!!!
I truly have shaken off my false personalities and let you in… and everything I have said to you has been absolutely from my heart… and if nothing else, I hope you will believe that.
The greatest gift I can give you, besides my love, is your freedom… from me and my attempt to hold on to you. I do not want to be selfish, and want to always put you before myself… even though it terrifies me to think that I will have to lose you in order to do so.
I will be your friend and will be here for you always, no matter what you decide, as I have already told you. I want more than anything for you to give us a chance, but realize that it is not up to me… so, I am going to stop asking you and know that you will get in touch with me, whenever you are ready.
Re: THE END & THE MEANS
E-mail Dated: 12-28-99
After we got off the phone, I was lead by Spirit’ to read this passage. I wanted to share it with you, because I think you will connect with it. It reflected to me the person that I see you as and the person I see you wanting and trying to be… as am I.
I could never fall in love with someone who did not want to be a spiritually beautiful person on the inside… who did not fear God… or who wasn’t capable of understanding my desire to follow Christ. I am afraid of loosing that battle… of being not only sidetracked, but derailed from my mission.
That is one of the reasons I love you and need you in my life. I see these same things in you when you share yourself with me, by letting me in sometimes… when we drop our shields and really allow ourselves to talk to each other. We both share a deep desire for goodness and unconditional love in our lives. You are an example of strength for me to follow (even though I don’t think you can see it).
Here is the passage…
A soldier takes orders from another and is thus not fully responsible for his own actions. A seeker, on the other hand, makes his own decisions and takes full responsibility for his actions. A Spiritual Seeker is not a person who is at war with others; his/her battles are with the ‘Self’ – with the Adversary within, with the ego!… It is striving for a higher purpose… It is having the ability to give up something of value for the greater good of others, and to achieve a long term improvement in one’s own life. You must have singleness of purpose and clear direction… and have courage, and honor and victory in conflict… however your true nature should not be warlike, but should be one of determination, of reaching the mark whatever difficulties may be encountered, but by means that are Just…
“The means are what determine the end and shape its eventual character.” -Ralph Blum
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